Things My Straight Boyfriend Says
Watching TV

Me: She’s so pretty
Him: She’s wearing an ugly keyhole sweater

Getting Ready

Me: Is it a night for my sparkly pink pants?

Him: Yeah, but they’re fuchsia.

After getting licked in the face by a dog

Me: He knows what kisses are
Me: Cuz he’s a sweet little kissy man!

Snooki’s hair is more of a beehive than a poof
Showing him my new sweater

Me: You like my mint sweater?

Him: You mean pistachio.

Once you reach a certain age, abs—you can take em or leave em. But a bathroom with his and hers sinks? Hello!

While listening to music

Me: This singer sounds like someone but I can’t put my finger on it

Him: She’s a cross between Amy and Nora

I look at him questioningly

Him: Winehouse and Jones, duh

Discussing the Super Bowl quarterbacks

Russel Wilson is way more attractive. He is a beautiful 23 year old with a Colgate smile.

Watching a trailer for “True Detective”

I’d have a Woody too if I was standing next to Matthew McConaughey

If any phase of life would call for a good vibrator, it’s a doctor’s residency.