Discussing an acquaintance
Him: He was my kind of man. Me: Why? Him: 1.Savy and thrifty shopper, 2.Loved to cook, 3.Made his own marinade
At Home Depot
Please, I say about ten times as many gay things as what makes it up on that dumb site.
What I need is a man-sized pillow, something to really hold on to.
Him: The reason I liked you was because when we first talked on the phone you had a low voice. Me: Like a man’s voice? He giggles.
While watching "House of Cards"
She (Robin Wright) should totally have sex with him (Ben Daniels). I know I would.
After I take away one of his four pillows
I feel like I’m in hell, but I was just in a state of rapture.
In reference to our dogs
I wish they had balls, so I could just grab them.
While watching the Oscars
Me: Anne Hathaway does not look good in that dress. Him: Anne Hathaway doesn’t look good in anything. She’s an older version of Julia Roberts.
While watching the Oscars
I’m not a hater, I like Daniel Radcliffe.
While watching the Oscars pre-show
Him: Why is Arsenio wearing a dress? Me: That’s Robin Roberts, she just had a bone marrow transplant. Him: Look if you don’t want me to be sassy, I don’t know if we can enjoy the Oscars together.
Me: You spent a long time in the shower. Him: I spent most of that time washing my butt hole. Me: It must have been really dirty. Him: No, it’s just fun washing it.
Discussing Body Odor
I knew this man, he was a handsome man, gorgeous man, but he had this funk about him, I couldn’t get past it.
Looking at wedding dresses
Me: And I love this one because it has, umm… Him: (cutting me off) Demi sleeves. Oh yeah really nice. Me:..I..uh…didn’t know that’s what they were called.
Me: Our dog is so handsome, he would be such a good looking human. Him: He would be a young James Franco, before he got beefy, which just does not suit his body type.
shouldn't it be fiance?
um, excuse me but isn’t he your straight fiance now? thanks in advance.
“Being in a sorority looks like fun. You get to dress up and stuff.”
I don’t even want to get married if you won’t let me watch “Downton Abbey.”
While on the couch
Me: You’re in a dog sandwich! Eric: (with sass) Actually, it’s an Eric sandwich with dog bread.
Discussing our upcoming trip
Me: You should pack your suitcase. Him: This suitcase packs itself. It’s like one of those automated gay buttholes.
Him: I want to see “Silver Linings Playbook” with Bradley Cooper. Me: He’s so good looking. Friend: But he’s a closet gay. Him: What! That totally ruins him for me. (We exchange confused glances) Him: It really does!
Trying a new bottle of wine
It’s so light and fruity. I am LOVING these pinots.
After we bring home a new dog (Harvey)
Me: We need to teach Harvey that to get in good with us he needs to be nice to Clarence (our old dog). Him: Yeah, it’s like that Spice Girls song.
While loading a couch into a U-Haul
Why don’t I climb up there, so you can just slide it up into me?
In the car
Me: I think I want an empire waist wedding dress. Him: Be more specific. Do you want an empire waist, which is a large band that hits at the rib cage, or do you want a baby doll which poofs out at the rib cage?
At a restaurant
Me: That food was awful, but the dessert was clearly the best part. Him: Yeah it was the best, but it still had that after taste of human penis.
While walking on the street
Me: That girl’s boyfriend is a good looking dude. Him: Oof, HELLO, with that pose, yes!
After the dog jumps on the couch
Me: He should get off Him: Yeah, he shouldn’t be approaching it from behind.
At a bar, talking to a mutual friend
Me: (to friend) You should go talk to him. Even if he is gay, so what. Sometimes gay guys have sex with women Him: And sometimes straight guys have sex with men. Me: I don’t think it works that way.
Walking in the park
Me: That girl that just passed us was so pretty. Him: No she wasn’t. She was just dressed like she’s on GIRLS. I haven’t seen it, but I feel like I have.
While Walking the Dog...
It’s PERFECT scooter weather!
Discussing cougars and dating
It’s easier to rake in young dick, I’ve found.
Getting ready for bed
Look at Clarence (our dog) burrowing into my butt hole, like you never do.
While riding in the car
Me: Stop making that silly voice, it’s so shrill it hurts my ears. Him: It’s worth it. It’s like having sex with a black man. It hurts, but it’s worth it.
While walking the dog
Me: Clarence (our dog) is so versatile. Him: Yeah I know he’s a versatile. Me: What? Him: In the gay community a versatile is someone who goes as a top or a bottom…duh
While on the subway
Him: Look at that girl’s hat. Yesterday it was a cat’s bed, today it’s a hat. Me: What? Him: Oh don’t tell me that hat doesn’t look like it used to be a cat’s bed.
While walking through a grocery store
Me: Gross, it looks like that old metro card has become one with the floor. Him: Yuckyboners!
Discussing his all female co workers
At work I would long for men.
While reminiscing about his non-profit work in ...
We used to always work out together shirtless. He’d tell me how big my arms are, which is true. But he was always so much more cut. He had one of those bodies that doesn’t gain weight.
While eating at Chipotle
Him: There’s so many sexy ripped older gay dudes in Chelsea. I continue eating silently. Him: Am I not right?
Comparing Brad Pitt to the other actors in...
Me: The older brother has a sexy voice. Him: Yeah but you can’t hold a candle to BP, especially BP on a horse, wearing leather, sweaty. Come on!
One minute into watching The Soup
Him: We’ve already seen this episode Me: How do you know? Him: Joel’s already worn this pocket square.
Flexing his legs while in the doctor's waiting...
I have the best legs. It’s unreal.
While Discussing "Make A Wish"
Me: What would be your wish? Him: To wrestle with all the strongest boys in the world
At the park
Look at that guy’s hair, I feel like we’re on the set of a Pantene commercial!
While passing by a house on our block
Oh ok, you can over Juliet balcony this block.
Me: Guess who I saw today?! Him: Who? Me: Your favorite actor, Woody Harrelson! Him: What was he wearing?!??
While watching "the girlfriend experience"
Look at that rooftop patio, I’d be his girlfriend. I mean, you know, if I was a girl.
While looking at apartments
Him: Remember what Suze Orman says, “Live below your means.” ( I laugh) Him: Why are you laughing?! She’s the bee’s knees!
While looking at a friend's bracelet
That’s cool, it doesn’t match your dress but…
While eating meat off a skewer
These things are hard to do when you get to the end and have to deep throat it. I’m good at it, but I dont like it.