Me: She’s so pretty
Him: She’s wearing an ugly keyhole sweater
Me: Is it a night for my sparkly pink pants?
Him: Yeah, but they’re fuchsia.
Me: He knows what kisses are
Me: Cuz he’s a sweet little kissy man!
Me: You like my mint sweater?
Him: You mean pistachio.
Once you reach a certain age, abs—you can take em or leave em. But a bathroom with his and hers sinks? Hello!
Me: This singer sounds like someone but I can’t put my finger on it
Him: She’s a cross between Amy and Nora
I look at him questioningly
Him: Winehouse and Jones, duh
Russel Wilson is way more attractive. He is a beautiful 23 year old with a Colgate smile.
I’d have a Woody too if I was standing next to Matthew McConaughey
If any phase of life would call for a good vibrator, it’s a doctor’s residency.
I got way too hot earlier, and not just like Mario Lopez hot but John Stamos hot.
Me: I think I’m going to cut arm holes in it.
Him: I like it as is.
Me: But it looks so weird when I wear my it with my backpack.
Him: That’s because this is an outfit you wear with a nice clutch.
Me: You’re the woman in this relationship.
Him: Someone’s gotta be.
Him: How’s your friend?
Me: Good, apparently she’s dating a dude with a big dick.
Him: How many inches?
Me: I didn’t ask.
Him: Ugh, you’re the worst.
My friend: I want to go to a nude beach someday.
Him: (very proud) I showered with all the wrestling coaches on Friday!
Me: Hey you know that green and pink pillow we have?
Him: Umm…you mean teal and fuscia.
Me: Curls are in!
Him: Yeah, like Jessica Alba two years ago.
Me: Do you still want me to buy you a long body pillow?
Him: Yes! As long as it’s thick!
Me: Not attractive (pointing to a beauty queen on TV).
Him: Ew, it’s hideous.
Me: I like how you call her “it.”
Him: Oh I was looking at her dress.
I’m going to do my fancy hair.
Me: Those are some tight jeans.
Him: Those are jeggings.
I’m not single, I’m busy!
Really? White socks with demi boots?
That girl is trying to play Dharma to his Greg.
I want to see the new Ryan Gosling movie…I’m a BIG Gos fan.
There is nothing wrong with going bald. I mean look at Woody Harrelson. Mmmhm.
I’m going to call off the wedding, she’s not letting me plan enough.
Me: Nah, I don’t want anymore sweet things tonight.
Him: Then I guess I’ll leave.
Me: He’s so good looking.
Him: Yeah he’s like Bradley Cooper. Long and lean with a distinguished nose and soft eyes…
I know how to touch a man.
I learned from Tyra Banks that if you’re shooting in the sun, you close your eyes until the final moment, and then you open them wide right before the shot.
Him: Are those the shoes you are going to wear in the wedding?
Me: Yeah. What, you don’t like them?
Him: They just don’t seem very fun.
Friend: I know this guy who is a fifty year old gay architect with impeccable taste.
Him: I like two of those things.
Him: I’ve seen a lot of dick tats.
Him: They’re interesting!
My shorts never last, I always blow the crotch out.
Him: That’s a tall drink of water.
Me: Were you looking at his butt?
Him: No, I was talking about the whole package.
My gay friend was telling me about all his sexploits…It seems so much easier and more fun.
Me: I know way more cool dads than cool moms.
Him: That’s because it’s better to be a man than a woman. Wouldn’t you rather be married to a man than a woman?
Me: Yeah, but wouldn’t you rather be married to a woman?
Me: I saw a girl wearing jeans with heels while doing improv.
Me: It’s just weird, she was wearing black pumps to do improv.
Him: PUMPS? It’s summer, I would have expected a strappy heel.
I’ll do the flower arrangements. I have a good eye for flower composition.
He likes it. That’s cuz daddy tastes good.
I am LOVING this ice cream
Ugh look at her hair, she looks like a BRATZ doll that’s been through the dryer.
A German boyfriend is to sleep with, a husband is to read with.
Him: He was my kind of man. Me: Why? Him: One, savvy and thrifty shopper. Two, loved to cook. Three, made his own marinade.
Please, I say about ten times as many gay things as what makes it up on that dumb site.