Me: She’s so pretty
Him: She’s wearing an ugly keyhole sweater
Me: Is it a night for my sparkly pink pants?
Him: Yeah, but they’re fuchsia.
Me: He knows what kisses are
Me: Cuz he’s a sweet little kissy man!
Me: You like my mint sweater?
Him: You mean pistachio.
Once you reach a certain age, abs—you can take em or leave em. But a bathroom with his and hers sinks? Hello!
Me: This singer sounds like someone but I can’t put my finger on it
Him: She’s a cross between Amy and Nora
I look at him questioningly
Him: Winehouse and Jones, duh
Russel Wilson is way more attractive. He is a beautiful 23 year old with a Colgate smile.
I’d have a Woody too if I was standing next to Matthew McConaughey
If any phase of life would call for a good vibrator, it’s a doctor’s residency.