Things My Straight Boyfriend Says

Mar 14

Snooki’s hair is more of a beehive than a poof

Mar 12

Showing him my new sweater

Me: You like my mint sweater?

Him: You mean pistachio.

Feb 08

Once you reach a certain age, abs—you can take em or leave em. But a bathroom with his and hers sinks? Hello!

Feb 07

While listening to music

Me: This singer sounds like someone but I can’t put my finger on it

Him: She’s a cross between Amy and Nora

I look at him questioningly

Him: Winehouse and Jones, duh

Feb 02

Discussing the Super Bowl quarterbacks

Russel Wilson is way more attractive. He is a beautiful 23 year old with a Colgate smile.

Jan 26

Watching a trailer for “True Detective”

I’d have a Woody too if I was standing next to Matthew McConaughey

Dec 29

If any phase of life would call for a good vibrator, it’s a doctor’s residency.

Dec 28

Turning on the air conditioning

I got way too hot earlier, and not just like Mario Lopez hot but John Stamos hot.

Dec 22

Showing him my new poncho

Me: I think I’m going to cut arm holes in it.

Him: I like it as is.

Me: But it looks so weird when I wear my it with my backpack.

Him: That’s because this is an outfit you wear with a nice clutch.

Dec 20

Me: You’re the woman in this relationship.

Him: Someone’s gotta be.