Him: How’s your friend?
Me: Good, apparently she’s dating a dude with a big dick.
Him: How many inches?
Me: I didn’t ask.
Him: Ugh, you’re the worst.
My friend: I want to go to a nude beach someday.
Him: (very proud) I showered with all the wrestling coaches on Friday!
Me: Hey you know that green and pink pillow we have?
Him: Umm…you mean teal and fuscia.
Me: Curls are in!
Him: Yeah, like Jessica Alba two years ago.
Me: Do you still want me to buy you a long body pillow?
Him: Yes! As long as it’s thick!
Me: Not attractive (pointing to a beauty queen on TV).
Him: Ew, it’s hideous.
Me: I like how you call her “it.”
Him: Oh I was looking at her dress.