Me: You spent a long time in the shower.
Him: I spent most of that time washing my butt hole.
Me: It must have been really dirty.
Him: No, it’s just fun washing it.
I knew this man, he was a handsome man, gorgeous man, but he had this funk about him, I couldn’t get past it.
Me: And I love this one because it has, umm…
Him: (cutting me off) Demi sleeves. Oh yeah really nice.
Me:..I..uh…didn’t know that’s what they were called.
Me: Our dog is so handsome, he would be such a good looking human.
Him: He would be a young James Franco, before he got beefy, which just does not suit his body type.
um, excuse me but isn’t he your straight fiance now? thanks in advance.
“Being in a sorority looks like fun. You get to dress up and stuff.”
I don’t even want to get married if you won’t let me watch “Downton Abbey.”
Me: You’re in a dog sandwich!
Eric: (with sass) Actually, it’s an Eric sandwich with dog bread.
Me: You should pack your suitcase.
Him: This suitcase packs itself. It’s like one of those automated gay buttholes.
Him: I want to see “Silver Linings Playbook” with Bradley Cooper.
Me: He’s so good looking.
Friend: But he’s a closet gay.
Him: What! That totally ruins him for me.
(We exchange confused glances)
Him: It really does!