Things My Straight Boyfriend Says

Nov 19

Trying a new bottle of wine

It’s so light and fruity. I am LOVING these pinots.

Nov 11

After we bring home a new dog (Harvey)

Me: We need to teach Harvey that to get in good with us he needs to be nice to Clarence (our old dog).

Him: Yeah, it’s like that Spice Girls song.

Oct 28

While loading a couch into a U-Haul

Why don’t I climb up there, so you can just slide it up into me?

In the car

Me: I think I want an empire waist wedding dress.

Him: Be more specific. Do you want an empire waist, which is a large band that hits at the rib cage, or do you want a baby doll which poofs out at the rib cage?

At a restaurant

Me: That food was awful, but the dessert was clearly the best part.

Him: Yeah it was the best, but it still had that after taste of human penis.

Oct 16

While walking on the street

Me: That girl’s boyfriend is a good looking dude.

Him: Oof, HELLO, with that pose, yes!

After the dog jumps on the couch

Me: He should get off

Him: Yeah, he shouldn’t be approaching it from behind. 

Oct 07

At a bar, talking to a mutual friend

Me: (to friend) You should go talk to him. Even if he is gay, so what. Sometimes gay guys have sex with women

Him: And sometimes straight guys have sex with men.

Me: I don’t think it works that way.

Walking in the park

Me: That girl that just passed us was so pretty.

Him: No she wasn’t. She was just dressed like she’s on GIRLS. I haven’t seen it, but I feel like I have. 

Sep 16

While Walking the Dog…

It’s PERFECT scooter weather!