Things My Straight Boyfriend Says

Discussing an acquaintance

Sat, 27 Apr 2013 20:56:08 -0400

Him: He was my kind of man.
Me: Why?
Him: 1.Savy and thrifty shopper, 2.Loved to cook, 3.Made his own marinade

At Home Depot

Sun, 21 Apr 2013 16:10:12 -0400

Please, I say about ten times as many gay things as what makes it up on that dumb site.

In Bed

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 23:17:25 -0400

What I need is a man-sized pillow, something to really hold on to.

At dinner

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 23:05:35 -0400

Him: The reason I liked you was because when we first talked on the phone you had a low voice.

Me: Like a man’s voice?

He giggles.

While watching "House of Cards"

Sun, 17 Mar 2013 10:39:29 -0400

She (Robin Wright) should totally have sex with him (Ben Daniels). I know I would.

After I take away one of his four pillows

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 12:33:26 -0500

I feel like I’m in hell, but I was just in a state of rapture.

In reference to our dogs

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 12:32:42 -0500

I wish they had balls, so I could just grab them.

While watching the Oscars

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 22:05:48 -0500

Me: Anne Hathaway does not look good in that dress.

Him: Anne Hathaway doesn’t look good in anything. She’s an older version of Julia Roberts.

While watching the Oscars

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:55:20 -0500

I’m not a hater, I like Daniel Radcliffe.

While watching the Oscars pre-show

Sun, 24 Feb 2013 19:50:04 -0500

Him: Why is Arsenio wearing a dress?

Me: That’s Robin Roberts, she just had a bone marrow transplant.

Him: Look if you don’t want me to be sassy, I don’t know if we can enjoy the Oscars together.

Evening

Sat, 23 Feb 2013 23:01:00 -0500

Me: You spent a long time in the shower.

Him: I spent most of that time washing my butt hole.

Me: It must have been really dirty.

Him: No, it’s just fun washing it.

Discussing Body Odor

Sun, 03 Feb 2013 11:31:32 -0500

I knew this man, he was a handsome man, gorgeous man, but he had this funk about him, I couldn’t get past it.

Looking at wedding dresses

Sat, 19 Jan 2013 12:44:16 -0500

Me: And I love this one because it has, umm…

Him: (cutting me off) Demi sleeves. Oh yeah really nice.

Me:..I..uh…didn’t know that’s what they were called.

Hanging out

Tue, 15 Jan 2013 22:31:37 -0500

Me: Our dog is so handsome, he would be such a good looking human.

Him: He would be a young James Franco, before he got beefy, which just does not suit his body type.

shouldn't it be fiance?

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 23:34:48 -0500

um, excuse me but isn’t he your straight fiance now? thanks in advance.

Sorority

Mon, 14 Jan 2013 23:34:39 -0500

“Being in a sorority looks like fun. You get to dress up and stuff.”

Watching TV

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 21:22:00 -0500

I don’t even want to get married if you won’t let me watch “Downton Abbey.”

While on the couch

Sun, 13 Jan 2013 21:20:52 -0500

Me: You’re in a dog sandwich!

Eric: (with sass) Actually, it’s an Eric sandwich with dog bread.

Discussing our upcoming trip

Tue, 18 Dec 2012 18:00:49 -0500

Me: You should pack your suitcase.

Him: This suitcase packs itself. It’s like one of those automated gay buttholes.

At dinner

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 13:45:00 -0500

Him: I want to see “Silver Linings Playbook” with Bradley Cooper.

Me: He’s so good looking.

Friend: But he’s a closet gay.

Him: What! That totally ruins him for me.

(We exchange confused glances)

Him: It really does!